Maybe you can relate

Maybe not completely but some. I am so weirded out people. I really just don't want strangers to touch my skin. It almost burns. I know it is some type of anxiety disorder, not wanting strangers to touch you, hating crowds etc but this is kinda getting weird. I don't really even want to go grocery shopping. The people who are just there to be sweet and ask how my day is etc. I respond politely but really I just feel like I want to shop in the dark. No one could possibly see the pain in my heart with the lights out. Right? I can, it's always right at the top of the skin, just waiting to bust out! Screaming for my attention. Maybe that's what I need to do. Give it attention. I just don't have that energy right now. I am too busy avoiding people :(
So I have officially decided to try and adopt a child from the Middle East. They certainly are not as strict as they are here and my family is from there so hopefully I can find a way to be a mother to a living child without having to be married. Trust me this was not the way I planned this (thank you very much you selfish ass RUDY) but I will be a mother to a child I can put to sleep at night and wake with sleepy bear kisses. I have even thought of IVF. I am willing to pay the price. Whatever the price is, it can not be higher than the price I paid to be a mother to a child I had to bury. That price is all too high!

A prayer request

I beautiful lady named kelly has asked for prayers for her best friend/sister Laurie. She is sick with a very very bad infection. Please bless her with your prayers! God is good and works miracles!

Just some photos I took

A person to admire

It's been strange lately. The blogs I have stumbled upon, the very very powerful women, the children gone too soon, the babies growing in mommies. I never realized how many people have lost children. I stumbled apon a blog and just loved this family. How absolutely adorable they were. As I went through the older posts I noticed that there was a very large piece of this family missing. Their daughter Reese had died. It is so sad to read of another heartbreak. I family torn apart yet brought together by tragedy. I admire her family unit and their determination to stay strong, together and faithful to Jesus Christ. Another family I admire is Vicoria's family. Snarkybelle has been so gracious to me. Supposrtive and kind even in her own heartbreak. What an amazing family she has! Again a very strong relationship with Jesus. Are you seeing a pattern here? I am. I have been praying. Reading, writing, praying some more. I will never really understand why our children. Why Grace? Why Reese? Victoria? Ashlyn? Why any of them?? That's where faith comes in right? I still have unanswered questions, is it normal? I think so. I miss my daughter. Now I miss her father. I really wish he believed in us like he used to. I know there is a bigger plan that I could ever inderstand. I do believe. I really want to be the woman that is strong and steadfast. Faithful and kind. Admired. I too struggle. I want to understand the unanswered questions. I think God has lead me to many many amazing women for a reason! For this I am grateful!!!

Heaven seems to be calling!

I know many people have loved and lost, I too feel this painful realization. My husband is now gone, my daughter is gone and I sit alone. The pitter patter sounds are slowly fading. My thoughts are racing faster than sound. Time ticks loudly in my mind. I can feel the draw to solitude. I am slowly becoming more and more withdrawn. I get up, get dressed, go to work, come home and turn off my phone. I can not even imagine talking to anyone right now. I have done something that surprises me, I am finding myself getting closer to God. I have always loved God and my relationship with Jesus has been strong. During this time in my life I found that being angry at someone or something was the easy way out, one I gladly took.
This realization brought me back to remembering how my mother had to lie to keep from being raped or beaten by the men in the "army" in her country. She had to pretend she was not Christian but Muslim. Riding in the bus to go to work as a seamstress to help feed our family. I admire my mother. As a child I thought she was weak for not standing up for her beliefs, now I do understand. I guess what I am getting at is her sacrifice has brought me to a Country where I am free to love and believe in whatever God I choose, how dare I betray this gift by being angry.

It's been a while since I have posted. I am trying to come to a place where I can move forward a little. I miss my daughter oh so much. I miss my husband, the man I feel in love with. I am very lonely on the outside but spiritually filled!

These are beautiful and sad all at the same time

A couple of beautiful picturesd from an old cemetary

Stop the abuse!

This video is so painful to watch! Please be warned this is very very graphic and devastating to say the least! Baby Briana....

Another child dies

My friend Natalie has a little boy that crushes on her. He has passed into heaven and my heart breaks for him. Please say a prayer for his family! It is so heartbreaking knowing another family will be crushed as so many of us have already been! (((hugs)) to Christopher's family and of course to Natalie!

Political blog ahead.....last one..?

I got really frustrated yesterday after reading an article about the most recent socialistic idiocy bestowed upon us by our current administration. The essence of the article was that a lot of people are upset that the EPA deemed some of their "clunkers" unworthy of the "cash for clunkers" program because they get better gas mileage than previously thought, and now these parasites won't get their "free money" from the program.

The problem here is that these morons can't comprehend the fact that the money IS NOT FREE. This is borrowed money which is increasing our national debt to incredible proportions.

Quick economics lesson:
For the most part, the "debt" is borrowed from China and other foreign countries. Not directly, as in "Hey China, loan us a couple billion". But, we print money we don't really have, so we can pay for junk we don't really need, i.e., cash for clunkers, etc. Then, to cover it, we borrow from other countries in the form of loans based on Treasury Bonds. China & Japan own a MAJOR chunk of our treasury bonds. (If you want a detailed list of Foreign holders of our treasuries, go here.) There are also private investors, insurance companies, pension funds, banks, etc., that the government actually borrows from.

As with any debt, this money has to be paid back. Well guess who pays it back!? That's right. The Tax Payers of this country (those of us who actually WORK and pay TAXES) are responsible for the national debt. There is NO FREE MONEY. Just imagine if ALL of us just sat around with our hands held out waiting for something free, rather than working for it. Where would all the "free money" come from then?!

If you're getting something "for free", somebody paid for it. And, quite frankly, I'm tired of paying someone else's share!!! So, yeah, major frustration upon reading that article. Nothing is free!!!!

Political blog ahead

Protest Obama's Health Care Reform

If WE, the Citzens of the United States of America do not stand up and make OUR voices heard, we are going to fall into a huge trap we can never dig our way out of!!

If Mr. Obama has his way with what he is calling "reform" of our "health care" system, you will LOSE!! With a $1.3 trillion price tag for only 10 years, how can we afford this type of "reform"?

Among other things, the bill establishes a new government-run health care plan and new federal insurance rules and regulations that will ultimately change the coverage YOU have today – whether you like it or not. Further, for the first time in America’s history, the bill allows for taxpayer-funded abortions. No matter how you feel about the issue itself, it certainly should not be funded by tax dollars!!!

Read what you should know about the Kennedy Health Bill.

Here is what you have to look forward to if YOU do not stand up and make your voice heard!

* You will LOSE your right to choose the best level of care for yourself;
* You will LOSE the right to decide if a procedure is needed or not - the government will decide for you;
* You will LOSE the right to choose which doctors provide your care;
* Every city in every state will LOSE good doctors who will refuse to work in such a system that dictates a poor standard of care for their patients - they will retire rather than "do harm";
* You may even lose your JOB if your employer is taxed beyond a level they can bear, just to pay for this socialized medicine program.
* If you lose your employer funded coverage through loss of employment or for any other reason (the government plan runs private insurers out of business) you will LOSE YOUR RIGHT to buy into a private plan, and in fact, will be REQUIRED to take the government plan;
* You will LOSE further tax dollars from your income to pay for this "reform".
* Once the system is in place, you will forever LOSE your right to do anything about it...socialism will be the rule of the day and we will be one step closer to an America no patriotic American ever wants to see!

WILL YOU STAND UP AND BE HEARD? WILL YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE? OR WILL YOU SIMPLY SIT BY AND WATCH IT HAPPEN? ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE HOPING FOR A HAND-OUT? ARE YOU WILLINGLY GIVING UP YOUR RIGHTS JUST TO HAVE SOMETHING "FREE"?

I WILL BE HEARD! I HOPE YOU WILL TOO!!! The current health care "overhaul" bill proposed by the Democrats comes with a price tag of well over 1 TRILLION dollars! Call your local politicians and let them know that socialized health care and tax increases are not the answer. DO IT NOW...TIME IS RUNNING OUT...The administration is trying to RUSH this and have it passed by this August! That's hardly enough time for anything rational to happen!! PLEASE MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!! STAND AND BE HEARD!!!

Never in a million years

I never ever ever thought I would say this. I hate my husband right now. After all these years being married, now divorcing, I hate him. He is so insensitive. Where did this asshole come from??? This is not the man that sat at our daughter's NICU bed crying. This is not the man that said forever! This man is not who I married. With that being said, neither am I. But for the love of Pete SHUT THE HELL UP! Stop telling me when to move on. When to cry when to get on with my life! I will clipity clopity as long as I want!

Clipity clopity

I remember when we bought our house. The smell of new paint and fresh flowers. I was so in love. I loved every single inch of my house. It would be filled with laughter from family and friends and of course our children. We had it all planned out. One boy one girl, fenced yard, two dogs and a fish. I don't know why the fish but I always saw the big fish tank with a little fish ;)

The day I found out I was expecting our first child I remember the horror I felt when I realized one silly thing I had not thought about before. Our floors. The were so beautiful! So easy to maintain....and so cold and hard. I had hardwood through out my house. What would our baby crawl on? Certainly nothing short of the finest silk.....ok maybe not silk but soft plushy carpet! This was a problem. My husband loved the floors as did I, until I realized how silly it had been to expect my baby to crawl on them. So we decided we would carpet the baby room and one of our living rooms.

If you fast forward to today, the rooms are carpeted, the house is still. There is no laughter, no crawling baby, no more family unit. I walk through the halls with my heels on...clipity clopity, clipity clopity.....all the way to the room that was to be filled with baby wipes, powder, pictures and sleepless nights. Well this room is full of so much more, so much less. It has memories of me rocking myself to sleep, tears burning my cheeks. Arms wrapped tightly around my body as if I could squeeze the air out of me. I wanted to stop breathing. I wanted to be with her. I needed to be with her. I was alone. Only the sound of my clipity clopity through the house reminds me there still lives a very lonely soul. I remember telling my husband "R, I need you. I need you so bad it hurts me." The saddest part, I didn't. I didn't even realize the magnitude of my words. That some how the world would show me the difference between needing something and wanting something. I need Her. I NEEEEED my daughter. I know that I won't die. Not really. It will just feel like I want to die. But I don't. I just want her. I WANT HER! I smell her blankets. Her little ribbon that I put on her head to show she was a girl. Her poor little face so swollen from the steroids. She looked like a fat old lady! She was amazing to look at. OMG the little fighter. She was my Ali. I called her that. When she had enough of the poking she would pull her chubby little foot away and just be difficult at best! She did me proud. She did us all proud! This world lost a good one that day. She was one of the good guys. And now all I can do is try to tip toe into her room, as is if I am trying to sneak up on her memory, so as to not disturb it....just to sit with her one more time. Until I hold her again....clipty clopity down the hall to sit on her carpet and remember the little girl that was supposed to learn to crawl there.......OX

Tearful days

My house is lonely and quiet. I feel that same on the inside as I do in my house. I can walk through the hardwood floors and listen closely and hear myself, echoing as if another is behind me. I like to pretend it is Grace. Sad I know but there are times this is the only way I will feel better, at least for that moment in time. Then I catch sight of her room, or her picture and I remember I am alone. Rudy is gone now, so are all of his things. I miss us. Not the us we had become but the us we were before death knocked at our door. I miss my baby girl. I really just miss life before I had to realize death came along when you didn't want a visitor!

I'm alive!

I know it seems like an eternity since I blogged. I do read still, just been kinda yucky lately! I have been trying to see the silver lining and some days it's beautiful other days it is no where to be found. I think my husband and I are going to separate. There are so many issues aside from the death of Grace. I mean the list is long and though in my culture it is absolutely not acceptable, I have to do for me what is best for me. My family is shocked but DH and I are doing our very best to hang onto any dignity we have left. the raw wounds of the death, then the dissolve of our marriage. It's just alot to deal with!! I never stop thinking of you all and appreciate all of the prayers and well wishes! Much love! J.

Knock knock

Who's there....
Hello???
Knock knock....
Anyways, sorry I have not answered my blog! I stink!! AND life has kinda been in the way! I lost my job! My DH has been in and out of work since Grace was in the hospital. So life has been harder than normal. (wow do you think??)

So do you ever get tired of the "time line" of your life? Every single moment is BG or AG. Before Grace we.... After Grace wee never... ya see what I mean? I am not sure how I ever kept track of when things happened in my life before her. I know I did. I had to of. I don't think I walked around like a blob of jelly fish goo and just went with it. I have never been the "just go with it" kinda girl. eh, who knows. Today the weather is beautiful and I feel like eating a good breakfast. An accomplishment of itself! I know that not much makes many of us laugh lately but I found something that will for sure. So those of you that pee your pants when you laugh too hard, go get a towel :)
Hope this at least makes you smile!

Deciding to live

I wish I could wake up and realize the world had played a big fat bad joke on me! To see my marriage through the eyes of a young woman with the whole world on her side. Happy. Truly happy. Not jaded by pain and heartbreak. Sorrow. Grief. Despair.

Today I chose to live. I decided to wash my hair. To check the mail. Read the paper. Watch the news. To breath, even if for just one minute. I almost saw me again. I laughed out loud before I tried to suck the laughter back into my mouth so that the world didn't think I was ok and dish out more pain to me.

Once again I found myself slipping into my own despair. I washed my face, read a poem that I love and took on the day. I won today. I WON. And I was allowed to be ME. Jina. Not Grace's destraught mother, not Rudy's wife, but JINA. I can't promise tomorrow. I can't even promise 10 minutes. But I have right now. And I am grateful!
Thank you for still coming to support me. I do read it and I do care! Thank you so much!

Upside of the down side

Every time I turn on the TV there is news of another awful incident plaguing our community. Instead of getting depressed I think it's time we started looking for the silver lining. Massive Layoffs:
Better parking spots for those of us still working. Peanut Butter Salmonella Scare:
All the vomiting and diarrhea really helped people keep their weight loss resolutions. Global Warming:
No need to shell out big bucks for a tropical vacation when you can get the same experience in your own back yard. Digital TV Conversion:
Now when you visit Grandpa you can spend more time working your way into his will and less time adjusting his rabbit ears. The Lead Toy Recall:
I don't know about you, but it really helped us clean out the messy playroom. Health Care Crisis:
The funeral industry is booming. All This Snow:
The homeless have been able to construct their own homes, in the form of igloos. High Gas Prices:
It is cheaper to drink and NOT drive. High Credit Card Debt:
If you can die before paying it all off, then you win. The Decline Of The Auto Industry:
With less cars on the road, when you give that jerk the finger for cutting you off, he's more likey to see it. The Fall Of The Stock Market:
No need for the thrill of a roller coaster ride. You can get the same stomach plunging feeling in the safety of your own home. Mortgage Crisis:
Those neighbors you really hate are finally going to move out. See? It's not so bad after all.

I'm here

I am not as bad, but no where near as good as i wanted to be! Thank you a million times over! Your well wishes and love are so appreciated!! I will try and pull my seslf together enough to start blogging again!

It's over

I was not able to keep the baby alive. I lost the baby and just have not had the energy to talk, think, dress, eat anything. I feel my internal instincts knew better than to get too excited. Now I know why!

An ER trip

I knew I should not have gotten too excited! I started spotting last night. I was feeling like a really bad cycle, bad cramps but not a heavy flow. Well, DH was drug out of bed very early and we headed to the closest ER. They told us my body is trying to abort the pregnancy. OMG I don't remember anything they said after that. The pulled the ultrasound machine out and little baby had a heartbeat. I am 6 weeks along. I had no idea! I had goose bumps on top of my goose bumps. BUT I am still in danger of losing this baby before I even had the chance to say hello.
One thing did change, I am very much in love with the baby. The fear made me realize that I would be so devastated if I lost him/her. It also made me realize I am afraid. More than I thought.

Calling california has become my closest friend. I feel like I crushed her spirit. I know she is happy for me but I could hear her pain. Feel the sadness. I am so sorry! Not because I am pg but because you are not! It seems so unfair! I am praying for you! And I love and adore you. Sending you love from across the miles!!

Stop Asking me!

"Are you ok? You seem down" Well no crap Einstein! NO I am not ok. I am never going to be who I was a yr ago. NOR do I want to be. So stop asking me! YES I think of her everyday. Yes my arms are burning to hold a child. Not just any child, MY CHILD!! The one I watched smile for the first time. The one that needed me to save her. I failed her. I watched her die. I died right then. SO STOP ASKING ME. God willing I will have more children. Please get a piece of paper and write this down........ I will never replace her in my heart, EVER. Did you get that? NEVER! I will always have her picture on my wall, in my wallet in my heart. If God blessed me with 100 babies and they all grew up to be healthy and out lived me, I will still miss her. SO Stop asking me! I think your the town idiot! I think you need a lesson in common sense! Do you think because it is 2009 and "A new year" I don't hurt? PLEASE tell me you don't think that way! You tell me "Jina, just think, 2009 is a new yr and the perfect time for a new start! Wipe the slate clean and head upward and onward!" SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE!
Well, guess what? I am pregnant. And I am not thrilled. Not because I don't want another child, but because I don't want the world to forget Grace! I feel I am not supposed to be pregnant yet. Am I deceiving Grace? Will my body punish me again? How do I tell my family? They will be thrilled and therefore not understand the tears. I was not trying. I was telling Dh I wasn't ready. And come to find out, I wasn't.
So now, will you stop asking me. :(

And it's been awhile-Staind

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As f*d up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and f*ed things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As f*d up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and f*d things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As f*d up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry


****************************I added this because it makes me feel something*****

Can you believe this???

http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Mother-Of-Missing-Stillborn-Tell-Me-the-Truth.html

Rough Holiday

I don't want to take down the decorations. I don't even know why that is but I want them to stay up so I can see the angel ornaments. Dumb huh?
Well DH wants to TTC again. My uterus is not ready, and neither am I. Now he is being grumpy to me that I don;t even want to try! I don't even know what to say to him. Well I pray all of you had a great holiday! Many hugs