An ER trip

I knew I should not have gotten too excited! I started spotting last night. I was feeling like a really bad cycle, bad cramps but not a heavy flow. Well, DH was drug out of bed very early and we headed to the closest ER. They told us my body is trying to abort the pregnancy. OMG I don't remember anything they said after that. The pulled the ultrasound machine out and little baby had a heartbeat. I am 6 weeks along. I had no idea! I had goose bumps on top of my goose bumps. BUT I am still in danger of losing this baby before I even had the chance to say hello.
One thing did change, I am very much in love with the baby. The fear made me realize that I would be so devastated if I lost him/her. It also made me realize I am afraid. More than I thought.

Calling california has become my closest friend. I feel like I crushed her spirit. I know she is happy for me but I could hear her pain. Feel the sadness. I am so sorry! Not because I am pg but because you are not! It seems so unfair! I am praying for you! And I love and adore you. Sending you love from across the miles!!

Stop Asking me!

"Are you ok? You seem down" Well no crap Einstein! NO I am not ok. I am never going to be who I was a yr ago. NOR do I want to be. So stop asking me! YES I think of her everyday. Yes my arms are burning to hold a child. Not just any child, MY CHILD!! The one I watched smile for the first time. The one that needed me to save her. I failed her. I watched her die. I died right then. SO STOP ASKING ME. God willing I will have more children. Please get a piece of paper and write this down........ I will never replace her in my heart, EVER. Did you get that? NEVER! I will always have her picture on my wall, in my wallet in my heart. If God blessed me with 100 babies and they all grew up to be healthy and out lived me, I will still miss her. SO Stop asking me! I think your the town idiot! I think you need a lesson in common sense! Do you think because it is 2009 and "A new year" I don't hurt? PLEASE tell me you don't think that way! You tell me "Jina, just think, 2009 is a new yr and the perfect time for a new start! Wipe the slate clean and head upward and onward!" SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE!
Well, guess what? I am pregnant. And I am not thrilled. Not because I don't want another child, but because I don't want the world to forget Grace! I feel I am not supposed to be pregnant yet. Am I deceiving Grace? Will my body punish me again? How do I tell my family? They will be thrilled and therefore not understand the tears. I was not trying. I was telling Dh I wasn't ready. And come to find out, I wasn't.
So now, will you stop asking me. :(

And it's been awhile-Staind

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As f*d up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and f*ed things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As f*d up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and f*d things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As f*d up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry


****************************I added this because it makes me feel something*****

Can you believe this???

http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Mother-Of-Missing-Stillborn-Tell-Me-the-Truth.html

Rough Holiday

I don't want to take down the decorations. I don't even know why that is but I want them to stay up so I can see the angel ornaments. Dumb huh?
Well DH wants to TTC again. My uterus is not ready, and neither am I. Now he is being grumpy to me that I don;t even want to try! I don't even know what to say to him. Well I pray all of you had a great holiday! Many hugs