The ornaments

Grace and Ashlyn, ALL of the baby angels are truly missed! ((hugs))

OUCH

I slammed my hand in the car door. Now I have to see a hand surgeon! So I am a gimpy for a little bit. Merry Christmas to me..
Oh, the break is below the knuckle by the pinky.

My angel baby

I just wanted to say, I miss her!

National Children's Memorial

I wanted to go to the local ceremony. I did. I could not get my butt moving. I couldn't sleep most the weekend so today a pooped. So instead of going I lit 30 candles. No kidding 30! I have "met" so many mom's that have lost children that lighting 30 was not even close enough to represent each child. I guess I was in risk of the house burning down.;)

So I sat thinking all night how paralyzed I feel at times. Not just in the way my sleeping suffers or the way my eating suffers but how emotionally I seem paralyzed. Sept seems to be the last month I can remember "feeling" anything. Even the pain I think I'm feeling, isn't really the depth of what I actually feel. Wow did any of that even make sense? I just am starting to worry about my emotional well being as well as my physical.

I told DH I wanted to try again but after everything that has gone on in our family this year I am so afraid of having another child that will suffer like Grace did. She really did. The more I watch her videos the more I see her pain. The light that slowly faded into the abyss of death. I saw it but chose to believe everything was OK. WHY? Self preservation? Or maybe denial? I think if I realized she was not going to make it I would have tried to detach myself. Not that I am saying it would have worked but for the love of God I can't stop this internal bleeding.I wonder if maybe mentally we just can't hold all of the pain so we go numb. I have no idea. Maybe I should go back to school to figure it out. I am not sure that will help considering I did see a therapist and she was an idiot with a degree.

So I am going to go light more candles. I love looking at them as they dance in the air. Lets me get lost! As I remember Grace and all of the beautiful children lost before their time! (Ashlyn's mommy I hope your well!)

Tis the season to..

Get laid off. My husband just lost his job for the 2nd time. While Grace was in the hospital he was fired. How can you do that to a man who has a baby in the NICU? WHY? Now that she had died he gets fired again? OMG I know times are slow but come on!! My family is in a huge stir of drama. It feels like we are in the eye of a tornado and it is just picking up people in it's path. My father is in the military but is getting ready to be shipped back to Iran. Well he is in the hospital now because when he flew back to the states he was sick and saw a "friend" that is a doctor. Told him it was just bronchitis and go home and rest. Well guess what? It was not bronchitis, it is pneumonia. Now his is in the hospital. And is leaving next week. If they have not released him, he says he is leaving anyways! I know many of my readers know I am of middle eastern decent and with that said my father is stubborn as a rock! Oh my goodness!
So my cousin had a baby girl about a month or so ago. Dad tells me "You did hear bout the baby right?" Um No dad well i guess the baby is missing something between the appendix and the liver? And I am not sure. She is going to need a liver transplant! I think that rest was either unimportant or I blocked it out! I will find out for sure and get back to you on here! I am just ready to step off this swinging nightmare!

As a grieving parent do you notice they either avoid you completely or think you are the sounding board for all baby issues that end bad? I don't want to be either! I seriously hate the holiday's! :(

It's been a cold long week

I found myself in the middle of pondering the joy of Christmas. I drove by a lit church with the words "Put Christ Back in Christmas" in lights. I paused for a very long time and began to rewind the years of my life. How many years did I celebrate too loud, laugh so hard I cried, lived happily through another's sorrow? Did I just not know the world didn't all cheer with joy during the holiday? Well now I know. I am the most unhappy person I know. That isn't to say others around me have not experienced profound losses or heartbreak I just happen to be so wrapped up in my own self pity I am having a hard time seeing further than my own nose. I am now in a relationship that is dying. Slowly we have started not touching, talking, meaning anything important either goes unspoken or we fake it.
So as I pulled my car over I cursed the world. They not only took my child they took my best friend and confidant. My husband was my rock, my soft place. Now it is an empty space filled with empty promises and a hollow future. I want to feel like last Christmas. Happy, decorating our beautiful house. Awaiting the arrival of the most precious gift! I want to go there.

FUCK CHRISTMAS