Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Wow! I wish I could go


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I am so tired and lonely

I think I may need a vacation to Madrid :) I think I hear them calling my name! other than that I just need to rest. It's been emotional this week!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Wow it's been a long time

I guess it's been longer than I thought. A friend online had a sub baby girl...beautiful Sylvia. My divorce was final. My yearning for a baby is still in full blown active craziness *not sure what that meant haha* but I am strangely at peace. I did some traveling with my friend and it was great. Very refreshing and fun but seemed I was not really traveling but escaping. Running. Oh well, guess we all have something in our lives we need to run from..........right? :)

So what else?? I got a dog. I know nothing like a baby but still very much fun to love. Sold my house, the one with the cloppity hard wood floors. I clippty clopt so many days and nights that it felt like a strange tearing of an emotional band-aid everytime I did it. I need to get to some carpet and FAST! I moved into a smaller condo, no hardwood floors. Seems the realitor thought it was weird I esp didn't want any. Silly girl ;) It is small and quiet, just me and Max. There is a third bedroom. Small and cute. Always with the intention of being an "office" with cute teddy bears. My real friends don't have to ask, they already know. It's my little corner of hope I guess. Maybe one day a baby will fill the air with cries and baby powder. Maybe not. Either way Grace's memory is not far away. Her pictures adorn the walls. Her favorite blanket is neatly folded over the back of the chair in my room. The picture frame that says "Mama's Angel" with her chubby little face is still hanging over my bed....protecting her mother every night, everyday. I am at peace my friends. Whatever this peace is, I have earned it. I do cry. I do scream. I do miss her. Every breath that leaves my body is permiated with her...my love for her...it's always the first thing I breath in and the last thing I breath out.

Thank you for reading, if any of you still do ;) This is my journey, wherever it started and wherever it ends, it's mine. I will walk it even when I feel I can not stand. God is good.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Maybe you can relate

Maybe not completely but some. I am so weirded out people. I really just don't want strangers to touch my skin. It almost burns. I know it is some type of anxiety disorder, not wanting strangers to touch you, hating crowds etc but this is kinda getting weird. I don't really even want to go grocery shopping. The people who are just there to be sweet and ask how my day is etc. I respond politely but really I just feel like I want to shop in the dark. No one could possibly see the pain in my heart with the lights out. Right? I can, it's always right at the top of the skin, just waiting to bust out! Screaming for my attention. Maybe that's what I need to do. Give it attention. I just don't have that energy right now. I am too busy avoiding people :(
So I have officially decided to try and adopt a child from the Middle East. They certainly are not as strict as they are here and my family is from there so hopefully I can find a way to be a mother to a living child without having to be married. Trust me this was not the way I planned this (thank you very much you selfish ass RUDY) but I will be a mother to a child I can put to sleep at night and wake with sleepy bear kisses. I have even thought of IVF. I am willing to pay the price. Whatever the price is, it can not be higher than the price I paid to be a mother to a child I had to bury. That price is all too high!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A prayer request

I beautiful lady named kelly has asked for prayers for her best friend/sister Laurie. She is sick with a very very bad infection. Please bless her with your prayers! God is good and works miracles!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Just some photos I took

A person to admire

It's been strange lately. The blogs I have stumbled upon, the very very powerful women, the children gone too soon, the babies growing in mommies. I never realized how many people have lost children. I stumbled apon a blog and just loved this family. How absolutely adorable they were. As I went through the older posts I noticed that there was a very large piece of this family missing. Their daughter Reese had died. It is so sad to read of another heartbreak. I family torn apart yet brought together by tragedy. I admire her family unit and their determination to stay strong, together and faithful to Jesus Christ. Another family I admire is Vicoria's family. Snarkybelle has been so gracious to me. Supposrtive and kind even in her own heartbreak. What an amazing family she has! Again a very strong relationship with Jesus. Are you seeing a pattern here? I am. I have been praying. Reading, writing, praying some more. I will never really understand why our children. Why Grace? Why Reese? Victoria? Ashlyn? Why any of them?? That's where faith comes in right? I still have unanswered questions, is it normal? I think so. I miss my daughter. Now I miss her father. I really wish he believed in us like he used to. I know there is a bigger plan that I could ever inderstand. I do believe. I really want to be the woman that is strong and steadfast. Faithful and kind. Admired. I too struggle. I want to understand the unanswered questions. I think God has lead me to many many amazing women for a reason! For this I am grateful!!!