Monday, March 16, 2009

Deciding to live

I wish I could wake up and realize the world had played a big fat bad joke on me! To see my marriage through the eyes of a young woman with the whole world on her side. Happy. Truly happy. Not jaded by pain and heartbreak. Sorrow. Grief. Despair.

Today I chose to live. I decided to wash my hair. To check the mail. Read the paper. Watch the news. To breath, even if for just one minute. I almost saw me again. I laughed out loud before I tried to suck the laughter back into my mouth so that the world didn't think I was ok and dish out more pain to me.

Once again I found myself slipping into my own despair. I washed my face, read a poem that I love and took on the day. I won today. I WON. And I was allowed to be ME. Jina. Not Grace's destraught mother, not Rudy's wife, but JINA. I can't promise tomorrow. I can't even promise 10 minutes. But I have right now. And I am grateful!
Thank you for still coming to support me. I do read it and I do care! Thank you so much!