I found myself in the middle of pondering the joy of Christmas. I drove by a lit church with the words "Put Christ Back in Christmas" in lights. I paused for a very long time and began to rewind the years of my life. How many years did I celebrate too loud, laugh so hard I cried, lived happily through another's sorrow? Did I just not know the world didn't all cheer with joy during the holiday? Well now I know. I am the most unhappy person I know. That isn't to say others around me have not experienced profound losses or heartbreak I just happen to be so wrapped up in my own self pity I am having a hard time seeing further than my own nose. I am now in a relationship that is dying. Slowly we have started not touching, talking, meaning anything important either goes unspoken or we fake it.
So as I pulled my car over I cursed the world. They not only took my child they took my best friend and confidant. My husband was my rock, my soft place. Now it is an empty space filled with empty promises and a hollow future. I want to feel like last Christmas. Happy, decorating our beautiful house. Awaiting the arrival of the most precious gift! I want to go there.
FUCK CHRISTMAS
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4 comments:
I want you to be able to go back in time, too. I'm exhausted from this grief and wishing someone would get the impossible. I'll be skipping the holiday this year. enough is enough.
I know how you feel. I'm right there with you...The holidays just seem to bring painfull memories. I'm sorry...I wish Christmas just wouldn't happen
I'm sorry sweetie. I hope your husband is just mulling in his grief right now and it gets better. My husband yelled at me last night and said some hateful things. I asked him why the hell he said that and he finally apoligized, saying he is just so angry at the world right now. We take it out on eachother, the grief. It sucks but I hope our husbands get better. **BIG HUG** Oh and I totally agree with you, FUCK Christmas. I wish I had a shirt with that on it. I would wear it everywhere right now.
Oh yeah and I wanted to add that what your sister said was terrible, that is a horrible thing to say to a grieving mother!
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