I wanted to go to the local ceremony. I did. I could not get my butt moving. I couldn't sleep most the weekend so today a pooped. So instead of going I lit 30 candles. No kidding 30! I have "met" so many mom's that have lost children that lighting 30 was not even close enough to represent each child. I guess I was in risk of the house burning down.;)
So I sat thinking all night how paralyzed I feel at times. Not just in the way my sleeping suffers or the way my eating suffers but how emotionally I seem paralyzed. Sept seems to be the last month I can remember "feeling" anything. Even the pain I think I'm feeling, isn't really the depth of what I actually feel. Wow did any of that even make sense? I just am starting to worry about my emotional well being as well as my physical.
I told DH I wanted to try again but after everything that has gone on in our family this year I am so afraid of having another child that will suffer like Grace did. She really did. The more I watch her videos the more I see her pain. The light that slowly faded into the abyss of death. I saw it but chose to believe everything was OK. WHY? Self preservation? Or maybe denial? I think if I realized she was not going to make it I would have tried to detach myself. Not that I am saying it would have worked but for the love of God I can't stop this internal bleeding.I wonder if maybe mentally we just can't hold all of the pain so we go numb. I have no idea. Maybe I should go back to school to figure it out. I am not sure that will help considering I did see a therapist and she was an idiot with a degree.
So I am going to go light more candles. I love looking at them as they dance in the air. Lets me get lost! As I remember Grace and all of the beautiful children lost before their time! (Ashlyn's mommy I hope your well!)
2 comments:
Thank you for your kind words! The picture of your daughter's hand is beautiful! So incredibly precious. We had some bad stuff happen a few days ago and we are still trying to recover. Someone hacked into our checking account and drained it dry. We were completely broke for a few days. Not fun. The bank refunded the money though, thank goodness. But it has been a VERY busy few days. We have had to tighten security on everything, and we have been to the police already. Plus on Sunday we had Ashlyn's memorial thing at the hospital. That was so hard. We announced her name to everyone and put a bow on a tree in her honor. I totally lost it and couldn't keep it together. I miss her so bad. I hope you are doing well today! **HUG**
I totally agree, I asked my husband yesterday why does it seem that everything is going wrong for us? The bad part is I have a bad feeling about 2009 =( I hope things don't get worse for us =(
My husband said that we have gone through 20 years of terrible life experiences in only 5 years of marriage. =( I didn't know what to say because he was totally correct. UGH.
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