Friday, January 23, 2009

Stop Asking me!

"Are you ok? You seem down" Well no crap Einstein! NO I am not ok. I am never going to be who I was a yr ago. NOR do I want to be. So stop asking me! YES I think of her everyday. Yes my arms are burning to hold a child. Not just any child, MY CHILD!! The one I watched smile for the first time. The one that needed me to save her. I failed her. I watched her die. I died right then. SO STOP ASKING ME. God willing I will have more children. Please get a piece of paper and write this down........ I will never replace her in my heart, EVER. Did you get that? NEVER! I will always have her picture on my wall, in my wallet in my heart. If God blessed me with 100 babies and they all grew up to be healthy and out lived me, I will still miss her. SO Stop asking me! I think your the town idiot! I think you need a lesson in common sense! Do you think because it is 2009 and "A new year" I don't hurt? PLEASE tell me you don't think that way! You tell me "Jina, just think, 2009 is a new yr and the perfect time for a new start! Wipe the slate clean and head upward and onward!" SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE!
Well, guess what? I am pregnant. And I am not thrilled. Not because I don't want another child, but because I don't want the world to forget Grace! I feel I am not supposed to be pregnant yet. Am I deceiving Grace? Will my body punish me again? How do I tell my family? They will be thrilled and therefore not understand the tears. I was not trying. I was telling Dh I wasn't ready. And come to find out, I wasn't.
So now, will you stop asking me. :(

3 comments:

-clevergirl said...

Thank you for telling me about your pregnancy. I hope your baby is healthy and comes out screaming. That is such a sweet thing to do, thank you so much for including Ashlyn, that means so much to me, you truely are a wonderful friend. I love the middle name, it is so beautiful. **HUG**

Reba said...

I just wanted to tell you, I was not thrilled when I found out I was (accidentally) pregnant this time either. It seemed so unfair and wrong to have the twins taken away from us, and another baby given to us to try and keep alive. And mainly, we just didn't want to lose any more babies. I knew I was not ready for the constant fear of another pregnancy, and I was right.

But despite all that, I am happy this baby chose us, gave us another chance at parenthood. I am so grateful that she too has become a part of our lives, no matter how long she is with us. The fear is overwhelming, but so is the love.

Snarky Belle said...

"Not because I don't want another child, but because I don't want the world to forget Grace!" Oh how I understand those words. When I found out I was pregnant the second time, I was terrified everyone would forget Victoria.

I also felt as though everyone around me breathed some ridiculous sigh of relief...something like, Oh thank goodness, now maybe she will move on, now maybe things will be normal again. That scared me because I felt they were forgetting Victoria. I am not sure if they really felt that way or not, but I can tell you this...I have moved through my life, but never "on" as though things are somehow the same as before my daughter died.

Also, feel free to remind people that the woman you are now, she is normal!! She is the new you, the new "norm".

I want to say all of the right things to you, but nothing is ever really "right". Having said that, I want you to know I am happy for you. You don't have to be thrilled yet, I will be for you. And, unlike your family, while I am happy for you I ALSO understand the tears. You never have to explain them to me, or others who have walked this path. Sending you all my love!