Clipity clopity

I remember when we bought our house. The smell of new paint and fresh flowers. I was so in love. I loved every single inch of my house. It would be filled with laughter from family and friends and of course our children. We had it all planned out. One boy one girl, fenced yard, two dogs and a fish. I don't know why the fish but I always saw the big fish tank with a little fish ;)

The day I found out I was expecting our first child I remember the horror I felt when I realized one silly thing I had not thought about before. Our floors. The were so beautiful! So easy to maintain....and so cold and hard. I had hardwood through out my house. What would our baby crawl on? Certainly nothing short of the finest silk.....ok maybe not silk but soft plushy carpet! This was a problem. My husband loved the floors as did I, until I realized how silly it had been to expect my baby to crawl on them. So we decided we would carpet the baby room and one of our living rooms.

If you fast forward to today, the rooms are carpeted, the house is still. There is no laughter, no crawling baby, no more family unit. I walk through the halls with my heels on...clipity clopity, clipity clopity.....all the way to the room that was to be filled with baby wipes, powder, pictures and sleepless nights. Well this room is full of so much more, so much less. It has memories of me rocking myself to sleep, tears burning my cheeks. Arms wrapped tightly around my body as if I could squeeze the air out of me. I wanted to stop breathing. I wanted to be with her. I needed to be with her. I was alone. Only the sound of my clipity clopity through the house reminds me there still lives a very lonely soul. I remember telling my husband "R, I need you. I need you so bad it hurts me." The saddest part, I didn't. I didn't even realize the magnitude of my words. That some how the world would show me the difference between needing something and wanting something. I need Her. I NEEEEED my daughter. I know that I won't die. Not really. It will just feel like I want to die. But I don't. I just want her. I WANT HER! I smell her blankets. Her little ribbon that I put on her head to show she was a girl. Her poor little face so swollen from the steroids. She looked like a fat old lady! She was amazing to look at. OMG the little fighter. She was my Ali. I called her that. When she had enough of the poking she would pull her chubby little foot away and just be difficult at best! She did me proud. She did us all proud! This world lost a good one that day. She was one of the good guys. And now all I can do is try to tip toe into her room, as is if I am trying to sneak up on her memory, so as to not disturb it....just to sit with her one more time. Until I hold her again....clipty clopity down the hall to sit on her carpet and remember the little girl that was supposed to learn to crawl there.......OX