Monday, November 17, 2008

Didn't you get the invitation??


Now many of my friends have simply stopped calling. When they do call it is for nonsense, mundane verbiage. I want to talk about world peace, children starving and MY GRIEF. It is mine. I know this but can't anyone acknowledge I am still wearing it? Please don't look around my grief as if you could actually move it aside to have a conversation with the person I was prior to my child dying. I know you can not say the word "dead" it is not normal right? Well no matter what is going on in your life I have reserved this day for my pity party. I sent out invitations. The probably looked like a funeral announcement but trust me when I say, they were an invitation to my party. My pity party that will be truly spectacular. Crying, yelling, stomping, throwing, I mean the party favors are endless really. Oh, you have plans? Oh imagine that. You have to go shopping, wash your hair, sleep in, anything besides let me grieve. Anything but acknowledge that what I am feeling is normal, sad yes, but normal. Stop looking away when I am talking to you. Are you afraid this is contagious? Are you afraid that if you hug me your child will die? Do you think I am being punished? Like I did not pray hard enough? Or laugh loud enough? Or maybe I just did something so bad that "God" stole my child like a thief in the night! Are you serious? Does your mind really think like that? Do you need to hide when you see me coming? Don't worry I do get it. I see the hushed whispers when I come into a room. The looks of pity and fear all rolled into one strange look. I see it. Even worse I FEEL it. I would never in a million years give this pain away to anyone. There is not a person on this earth that I would ever hate bad enough to wish this upon. So why, my closest, dearest friends, can't you love me enough to let me cry. To say her name? To understand that a note to say "I'm thinking of you and Grace today" is this so hard? It seems so simple but to me it would mean the world.

I know none of you signed up for this, I certainly didn't. Please understand, this pity party is what I must do. I need to miss my baby girl. I need to know the world will not forget her. If I don't cry everyday I know she matters none the less, but since I can not wake to her cry every night I will cry for her, for me. I will walk the halls waiting to hear the call, the cry from beyond this world. I feel it. I will cry for every mother that has been hushed, hurried along this winding path. I know nothing in the world except how to be a mother that has lost her child. Do not mistake this, she is not "lost" she did not wonder off, she has died. Died. Died. And now I am dead.

3 comments:

-clevergirl said...

Yeah we didn't want to leave, it was so peaceful and quiet. We would love to live up there except for the bugs, they were HUGE! I had never even heard of a mammoth moth until we were attacked by them, it was crazy. I hope you are doing ok today. I cried when I read your latest post. You said exactly what I feel. I just wish our babies were here with us. **BIG HUG**

-clevergirl said...

It was the good kind of crying, the kind that heals. =) I hope you have a good weekend too!

**BIG HUG**

Jannie Funster said...

I have not lost a child but did a brother and sister a long time ago.

I screamed, I cried, I threw things too. I understand letting the grief out. You have to.

I watched the video of your baby, she was very loved, was sweet how your husband's voice put her to sleep.

Hugs from a stranger.