Thursday, November 13, 2008

My Ali,the fighter

I am so sad today. Why doesn't anyone understand? Yes I want another baby. Yes I want to feel whole again. Never will I fill the empty hole she left. Not now, not ever! I deserve to cry every single tear I will ever cry! I love her! I yearn for her! I remember her smell, her smile, her. Just her. Please tell them to stop saying this is God's will. This is the beginning not the end! Who says this is my beginning?? My life started when I had her and I died with her. I died. Doesn't the world know my merry-go-round stopped suddenly and I flew off. And hurt myself. It broke my heart. Not the kind of break your doctor can sew back together, the kind that is in so many pieces that the pieces turn to dust. They can never be the same again!
I have talked to other mother's who have lost their children. The burning in our arms is what we do. What we have to do. I am terrified I will forget what she felt like next to me. Her smile as I rubbed her chin ever so softly. Did she know my arms were not whole until they laid her tiny body in them? She had the most beautiful brown eyes. As much pain as she was in they let me in, into her soul. The window straight to her being. Did she know? Did she finally just give up the fight?

She was due June 16th. She was much too soon, too tiny. She went to the NICU. She was there fighting everyday! During this horrible time for my family, my Dh got fired! They fired him. He held our insurance! I could even bare to think about that but how could anyone do this? Own precious child was barely alive! Weeks went by and she would have good days and horrible days.
They had to eventually put a trachea tube in. I was devastated to see her like this. So many times they had to revive her. Life saving efforts, then she would come back stronger than ever. I said one day that she must need to see an angel to know she could fight this fight and win!
Then one day she coded 11 times in one day. She had lost too much oxygen to her brain. My angel was not going to make it. She no longer pulled her foot when they poked it with a needle. Her fight was nearing the end! Oh my Gracie, my darling little angel. She was my Ali, a world fighter!
I can't go on. I will finish later!

1 comment:

-clevergirl said...

Oh sweetie I am so sorry, I can really feel your pain through your writing, I totally teared up reading this post. I am so so sorry your baby is gone. I had people tell me the same thing at Ashlyns visitation, "It's God's will." If the lady who said it hadn't been 78 I would have decked her. Every time someone says something that pisses me off I just blame it on there ignorence. They are stupid, they do not understand what we went through. They will never know what pain we have had to endure. We have survived something that most women would die over. Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a woman, people don't relaize that, and it makes me want to get violent on there butts a lot of the time. I am so sorry your daughter is in heaven, I love seeing her smile in the video, video, her whole face justs lights up and it is so beautiful. She is probably playing with Ashlyn in heaven right now. **HUG**